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K.I.S.S.

27/3/2020

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Here are some pictures of a younger me to make you smile.

Sweet Boo

Where to start? Less than 12 hours ago, I learned that we will not be returning to school for the rest of the year. Saying life is challenging right now is an understatement: first I wrestled with the fact that we would be out of school until April vacation. This was followed by the unexpected need to put my dog, Boo, my companion in life who has always been there for me, to sleep. I have spent the past five days pretty much in complete isolation (albeit in an adorable little house) with no one but my stuffies to keep me company. (They're not big conversationalists.) And now, no more classes?

If we're stressed, the kids are most likely stressed, too.
Emotions do not discriminate based on age.

Connecting with people on line, be it a remote game of Kahoot! with my students, a #langchat virtual Happy Hour, or the fabulous series of webinars Karen Rowan of Fluency Fast put together to help folks in the education field who have lost their incomes due to conference and workshop cancelations (you can still purchase them for as little as $4), has kept me from completely losing it. (OK, let's just take a look at that last sentence. Its length, complexity, and rambling nature may give you an indication of my mental state right now!)

A teacher friend joined in our remote class Kahoot!

So when I force myself to stop and breathe, I try to bring myself inward and remember one thing: Keep It Simple, Silly. These are unprecedented times, and no one really knows what to do. We don't have control over much. But we can control what we do, ensuring we're not crowding our minds and our lives. I first had this thought last week while preparing remote (simple) "classes" for my students; it has been with me since then.

Our focus right now needs to be connection, not content.

Filming a video with my "classe bizarre" to send to my "vraies classes."

I'm going to stop here, resisting the temptation to climb on a soap box and shout at the top of my lungs. So everyone, especially teachers, K.I.S.S. DO NOT pile on the work. Less is more. We need to keep our students safe and happy right now. We have no idea what other responsibilities/tasks/burdens they have at home and we can't have the same expectations that we would in normal times.

It takes kids three to four times longer to do an assignment that it does us.
Please keep this in mind.

This is as anxiety-producing for them as it is for us. Yes, kids are resilient, but they are also sensitive. I'm lucky that I don't work in a district where administration burdens teachers with crazy assignments like detailed weekly lesson plans; I can't imagine if that were the case. I'm already distressed over the state of things, and the thought of putting my students through a similar ringer deepens the pit in my stomach.

I've been having a lot of fun creating new and engaging activities for my students. I love hearing that they are enjoying my goofy videos (and other teachers, are too!). And right now, I want them to have some fun. So let's take a step back and think outside the box. Be respectful, responsible, safe, and kind. Breathe. K.I.S.S. Bises.

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Less Inadequate

6/3/2020

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The gorgeous NECTFL TOYs.

I decided it was time to do a follow-up on my post from January on inadequacy. I haven't posted in a while, and I'm eager to get back to it.
So an update. Here's the Cliff Notes version if you don't time to read! I'm much better, but not 100%. Not because of something that's missing, but because of something that I've realized, am coming to terms with, and working to overcome.

The absolutely gorgeous meals Ashley and I shared at our TOY brunch at PS Kitchen.

You never realize how bad things were until they're not bad anymore. That's the understanding I came to a couple of weeks ago. I noticed I was no longer answering the question, "How are you?" with "OK" or "Upright and breathing." I actually responded to that question last week with a "Great!" that was verging on Tony the Tiger. And the little things that built up as an indication that I was in a distressing spot were shifting. My house was back in order. I was psyched to work out again. I walked away from NECTFL grateful for the connection I had made with the other regional TOYS, not overwhelmed with imposter syndrome. I was actively thinking about work. But, there's a hiccup...

I am now wrestling with the fallout of my weeks of depression, which is manifesting itself in multiple ways, but the most significant is professional. I feel defeated in the classroom because my energy level hadn't been there and I let some routines and expectations slip. A HUGE indicator of my ineffectiveness or level of frustration is quantifiable: the more English I speak, the worse my headspace. This is so distressing, and it hurts. I internalize all of this, blaming myself as I deal with something that was out of my control. When I take a step back, I recognize this isn't 100% my fault. But embracing this reality is really freaking hard. After a long conversation this evening in which I was able to process a lot of my thinking, I'm realizing that what's missing is trust. I don't trust myself, I don't trust where I'm headed. Thinking about the time I've lost because of my depression sends me into a spiral of negative thinking. But again, I try to close my eyes and breathe.
I'm someone who has always needed control. And I feel like I wasn't able to control my life for a little bit. Now that I'm regaining the ability to manage how things are playing out, I don't want to lose that. I'm hoping that with time I will be able to let go a little, and recognize and embrace that there are people who love me, respect me, and have faith in me. And then take it to the next level and feel the same about myself.
(One thing's for sure: I'm not going to monkey around with my meds again. It's not worth it. Again, for those of you who struggle mental illness, YOU ARE NOT WEAK! I have embraced that, and I hope you can, too.)

Views like this help keep me sane.

I know that this might sound a little negative, and you're probably thinking, "Really, Allison? You're in a better place?" But I am. And I'm hoping that in writing this, I'll be able to let go of some of this BS consuming my brain and move forward. I will blow the dandelion fluff of my distress and watch it fly away in the wind. (And land in someone else's yard! No, just kidding, I don't wish that on anyone.)

With my baby fuzz, The Boofus.

So where do I go from here? Up. I want to find confidence and faith that things will improve, and recognize that I can't control everything. (Additionally, I'm hoping Boo's current health issues are temporary!)
If you're still reading, thanks for sticking with me. I appreciate all of y'all's positive thoughts and encouragement. I know, in my heart of hearts, that I'm a good teacher and a strong person, both physically and emotionally. I'm generous, caring, and enthusiastic. And I look forward to embracing these aspects of my personality and shushing the loudness of my imperfections and gremlins.
Bises.

2 Comments

"You are an incredibly talented teacher. You have taught me so much about how to teach this age group and provided so many amazing ideas and resources. I am so very grateful."
Observer

K.I.S.S.

If we're stressed, the kids are most likely stressed, too.
Emotions do not discriminate based on age.

Our focus right now needs to be connection, not content.

It takes kids three to four times longer to do an assignment that it does us.
Please keep this in mind.

Less Inadequate

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"You are an incredibly talented teacher. You have taught me so much about how to teach this age group and provided so many amazing ideas and resources. I am so very grateful."Observer

K.I.S.S.

If we're stressed, the kids are most likely stressed, too.Emotions do not discriminate based on age.

Our focus right now needs to be connection, not content.

It takes kids three to four times longer to do an assignment that it does us. ​Please keep this in mind.

Less Inadequate

Author

Archives

Categories

"You are an incredibly talented teacher. You have taught me so much about how to teach this age group and provided so many amazing ideas and resources. I am so very grateful."
Observer

If we're stressed, the kids are most likely stressed, too.
Emotions do not discriminate based on age.

It takes kids three to four times longer to do an assignment that it does us.
Please keep this in mind.