People keep asking me how things are going. My honest answer? The things that are good are really fabulous and the things that are bad are really terrible. I have been trying to take a step back and embrace the good, but the bad brings a true sense of loss and mourning. The way our schedule at MCS is set up in order to minimize "unnecessary" contact. One "specials" teacher will spend two weeks with one grade; this week is my second week with first grade, then I will go to second grade next week. (The PE teacher, who is currently with kindergarten, will start his two-week rotation with first grade next week) So, going through the rotation K-6 means that I will next see my first graders at the end of December. I'll let that sink in for a moment. I strongly believe that the best way to improve as an educator |
I had originally thought I needed to let it go.* But now I recognize that I don't have to let it go, but need to embrace the change à la David Bowie. Hopefully this "sabbatical" will provide me with other ways to reach my other students, both those whom I see in person, and those in families who have chosen the remote option. Maybe then I will have a sense of how to provide for my home-school students. | |
I'm back on my filming game, producing videos that can serve all students, regardless of their proximity to 22 Church St. (And some of them will feature, for sure, Dizzy Izzy!)
If you are frustrated, I hope you can find a change in perspective that allows you to find the silver linings. They might need to be polished, and they might not be big, but I really think they're there!
If you are frustrated, I hope you can find a change in perspective that allows you to find the silver linings. They might need to be polished, and they might not be big, but I really think they're there!
And I leave you with this final thought.

(I still haven't watched Frozen, but Kristen Bell has some hysterical videos, and her husband Dax Shepard produces one of my favorite podcasts. There's your wormhole for the day!)
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| Like many of us, I have been spending a lot of time thinking, processing, and reflecting, wondering how to move forward during this time of both distress and hope. I am disgusted and horrified. But I have been paralyzed. I have had overwhelming feelings of self-reproach and self-condemnation. Those feelings compelled me to attend a protest last weekend in Pittsfield, MA, and that shifted my thinking forever. |
It is time for me/us to stop thinking and start acting.

I walked away with a changed perspective that afternoon. I want and need to fight the systemic racism, white supremacy, and the misdirected systems of power in our schools. I am ready to read, research, and reflect, and act.
I recognized my guilt, I owned it, and I am prepared to do the work to move past it. This is NOT about me or MY feelings, except for the fact that I am enraged. (Thank you to Bryan Safi and Erin Gibson of the incredible podcast "Throwing Shade" for helping me articulate this sentiment.) It is time for me to stop thinking and start acting. It is time for US to stop thinking and start acting.
I recognized my guilt, I owned it, and I am prepared to do the work to move past it. This is NOT about me or MY feelings, except for the fact that I am enraged. (Thank you to Bryan Safi and Erin Gibson of the incredible podcast "Throwing Shade" for helping me articulate this sentiment.) It is time for me to stop thinking and start acting. It is time for US to stop thinking and start acting.
I refined this post yesterday morning as I watched the extraordinary CNN/Sesame Street town hall. I am paraphrasing Dr. Jennifer Harvey here, but one of my take-aways was this: the dangerous part of white privilege is thinking we can just sit this one out. Additionally, I learned that the notion of being colorblind means that you are ignoring who people are, inside and out. Everyone has their own experience and emotion surrounding the events of recent weeks, but my experience and emotions will never allow me to know what it feels to be a BIPOC in the US today. I acknowledge that, I recognize my white privilege, and now I must delve into learning more and helping this country change and advance.
The dangerous part of white privilege is thinking we can just sit this one out.
Pictures from the Black Lives Matter protest, Pittsfield, MA, 31 May 2020

I have a long way to go on this journey but I am proud to get up and start running, and I will never shy away from that. I know I am late to the game, but I have ordered White Fragility and How to be an Antiracist, which I will be reading and discussing with friends and colleagues when they are no longer on backorder. (If you do not own them yet, consider ordering them from these black owned bookstores). I donated to the GoFundMe to help save The Frugal Bookstore in Massachusetts. I just learned about We Buy Black and will explore it in depth. I set a monthly donation to the Southern Poverty Law Center. I pledge to continue to educate myself and move forward. This is an incredible list of action steps for white people to work towards racial justice. On Monday, I will contact my legislators (by phone, NOT by email) to tell them to advocate for criminal justice reform, civilian oversight of police, and the allocation of taxpayer funds towards community services. And finally, I will continue to VOTE.
My discomfort is moving my thinking forward.
This is not just a blip for me. I am committed to moving forward and working towards progress. And as a teacher, I know I am responsible for helping my students (in a primarily white community) become anti-racists. I am proud of ACTFL for compiling this list of resources for language educators that address issues of race, diversity, and social justice.
If you are on Twitter, I suggest you follow A.C. Quintero, Adrienne Brandenberg, Dorie Conlon Perugini, and Abelardo Almazán-Vázquez, who have been vocal for a long time about the need for racial and social justice. |
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And finally, as a passionate vegan who always researches restaurants before travel, this will be the first place I consult when mapping out my dining: VegOut magazine’s list of black-owned vegan and vegan-friendly restaurants around the country. On Instagram, Bad Ass Vegan (John Lewis) is one of my absolute favorite follows. I have learned a lot about the depth and breadth of social justice from him, especially from his “MIDNITE MOTIV8ION” posts.
I can do better. I WILL do better.
What are YOU doing to work for racial and social justice? Bises. |
It seems like the content of my recent posts has shifted from teaching ideas and lesson content and moved towards emotional and mental well-being. And I'm OK with that. I have not shied away from highlighting and discussing my sordid history with depression. Not coincidentally, one of my podcasts is called "The Hilarious World of Depression." Some of my favorite people have been guests on the show: Chris Gethard, Peter Sagal, DMC from RUN-DMC, Margaret Cho, Gary Gulman. They talk openly and funnily (is that a word?) about their mental health struggles, and I believe it is helping to #endthestigma.
Every episode of THWoD starts with this question: "Is depression funny?" Inherently, I do not think so. But there are times and situations in which it can make us smile or laugh.

Earlier this week, on a drive from my official residence to my temporary home, I was in a bad headspace; I have spent the past two weekends "visiting" my house, and it has become a challenge. Being in an empty house for 48 hours to grab some things and do some laundry took its toll on me. (I'm not sure when I'll be able to go back there from an emotional standpoint, and that saddens me even more.)
As I drove west along the southern border of Vermont on Tuesday, I needed something to make me smile, but also something that would speak to me and help me. So, I turned to THWoD. (I am proud to be a THWoD-ball, and I really want this shirt! My birthday is in August, hint, hint!)
As I drove west along the southern border of Vermont on Tuesday, I needed something to make me smile, but also something that would speak to me and help me. So, I turned to THWoD. (I am proud to be a THWoD-ball, and I really want this shirt! My birthday is in August, hint, hint!)

The episode I chose was entitled "A Message From Inside John's Closet. I Mean, Office." It's raw, honest, and it addresses the challenges that everyone is facing during this time of uncertainty, but is particularly challenging for folks who suffer from mental illness. As John says, those of us who fall into that category don't have the reserves that the "normies" do. Nonetheless, he brings up six points that we all need to keep in mind right now, and I'd like to highlight three of them.
There is no normal right now. For anyone. Keep that in mind.
3. It's OK to take breaks I worked harder than I can remember in my recent career over the past month. I have reached a point where I am actively doing things I want and love. I finally finished a jigsaw puzzle that has been sitting in "my" living room for a month. It felt so good to say no to work every now and then over the past few days, and just drink tea and work on my puzzle. I wish I had taken some time to do that during the most insane weeks, but, you know, hindsight. |

5. Maintain previous self-care protocols
In addition to all of the ridiculous curve balls life has thrown at me in the past month, I received news that one of the most important events of my year, the Covered Bridges Half-Marathon, had been flat-out canceled. 2020 was going to be my sixth consecutive year running on the Upper Valley Haven charity team. I was devastated. But a friend of mine said, "Hey, why don't you still raise the money and 'run' the race?" So I have decided to do that. It will give me something to focus on and work towards (physically). I am thrilled; the Haven is an important organization, and I'd be honored to have your contribution to the cause. (I plan on running on Sunday, 6 July, exactly one month after the date of the original race.)
In addition to all of the ridiculous curve balls life has thrown at me in the past month, I received news that one of the most important events of my year, the Covered Bridges Half-Marathon, had been flat-out canceled. 2020 was going to be my sixth consecutive year running on the Upper Valley Haven charity team. I was devastated. But a friend of mine said, "Hey, why don't you still raise the money and 'run' the race?" So I have decided to do that. It will give me something to focus on and work towards (physically). I am thrilled; the Haven is an important organization, and I'd be honored to have your contribution to the cause. (I plan on running on Sunday, 6 July, exactly one month after the date of the original race.)
Stop. Close your eyes. Breathe. Open your eyes. Breathe. Repeat.
The last point was the most important, and also the most challenging. 6. Be kind to yourself. (As John said, "You don't have to be great at this, we just have to get through it together.") I am rarely kind to myself, and it's something I've been working on for years. (I would never, ever, EVER say to someone else the things I tell myself. It's really quite distressing.) So I'm actively trying to be gentle with myself and stop the negative self-talk. If you engage in that kind of thing, please come along with me on the ride to liberate ourselves from that. And let's take it a step further: be kind to others as well. We all need a little extra support these days. |

Another fabulous blog post on this topic comes from my dear friend La Maestra Loca, who, at the beginning of these crazy times, wrote about the need to "put your oxygen mask first." This is a parallel idea. So put that mask on, and don't beat yourself up if you can't figure out exactly how to get it on the first time. We're all figuring stuff out right now, and it's going to be messy.
What are you doing to be kind to yourself and keep self-care a priority?
Bises.
What are you doing to be kind to yourself and keep self-care a priority?
Bises.
Here are some pictures of a younger me to make you smile.

Where to start? Less than 12 hours ago, I learned that we will not be returning to school for the rest of the year. Saying life is challenging right now is an understatement: first I wrestled with the fact that we would be out of school until April vacation. This was followed by the unexpected need to put my dog, Boo, my companion in life who has always been there for me, to sleep. I have spent the past five days pretty much in complete isolation (albeit in an adorable little house) with no one but my stuffies to keep me company. (They're not big conversationalists.) And now, no more classes?
If we're stressed, the kids are most likely stressed, too.
Emotions do not discriminate based on age.
Connecting with people on line, be it a remote game of Kahoot! with my students, a #langchat virtual Happy Hour, or the fabulous series of webinars Karen Rowan of Fluency Fast put together to help folks in the education field who have lost their incomes due to conference and workshop cancelations (you can still purchase them for as little as $4), has kept me from completely losing it. (OK, let's just take a look at that last sentence. Its length, complexity, and rambling nature may give you an indication of my mental state right now!) |
So when I force myself to stop and breathe, I try to bring myself inward and remember one thing: Keep It Simple, Silly. These are unprecedented times, and no one really knows what to do. We don't have control over much. But we can control what we do, ensuring we're not crowding our minds and our lives. I first had this thought last week while preparing remote (simple) "classes" for my students; it has been with me since then.
Our focus right now needs to be connection, not content.

I'm going to stop here, resisting the temptation to climb on a soap box and shout at the top of my lungs. So everyone, especially teachers, K.I.S.S. DO NOT pile on the work. Less is more. We need to keep our students safe and happy right now. We have no idea what other responsibilities/tasks/burdens they have at home and we can't have the same expectations that we would in normal times.
It takes kids three to four times longer to do an assignment that it does us.
Please keep this in mind.
This is as anxiety-producing for them as it is for us. Yes, kids are resilient, but they are also sensitive. I'm lucky that I don't work in a district where administration burdens teachers with crazy assignments like detailed weekly lesson plans; I can't imagine if that were the case. I'm already distressed over the state of things, and the thought of putting my students through a similar ringer deepens the pit in my stomach.
I've been having a lot of fun creating new and engaging activities for my students. I love hearing that they are enjoying my goofy videos (and other teachers, are too!). And right now, I want them to have some fun. So let's take a step back and think outside the box. Be respectful, responsible, safe, and kind. Breathe. K.I.S.S. Bises. | |
I decided it was time to do a follow-up on my post from January on inadequacy. I haven't posted in a while, and I'm eager to get back to it. So an update. Here's the Cliff Notes version if you don't time to read! I'm much better, but not 100%. Not because of something that's missing, but because of something that I've realized, am coming to terms with, and working to overcome. |

You never realize how bad things were until they're not bad anymore. That's the understanding I came to a couple of weeks ago. I noticed I was no longer answering the question, "How are you?" with "OK" or "Upright and breathing." I actually responded to that question last week with a "Great!" that was verging on Tony the Tiger. And the little things that built up as an indication that I was in a distressing spot were shifting. My house was back in order. I was psyched to work out again. I walked away from NECTFL grateful for the connection I had made with the other regional TOYS, not overwhelmed with imposter syndrome. I was actively thinking about work. But, there's a hiccup...
I am now wrestling with the fallout of my weeks of depression, which is manifesting itself in multiple ways, but the most significant is professional. I feel defeated in the classroom because my energy level hadn't been there and I let some routines and expectations slip. A HUGE indicator of my ineffectiveness or level of frustration is quantifiable: the more English I speak, the worse my headspace. This is so distressing, and it hurts. I internalize all of this, blaming myself as I deal with something that was out of my control. When I take a step back, I recognize this isn't 100% my fault. But embracing this reality is really freaking hard. After a long conversation this evening in which I was able to process a lot of my thinking, I'm realizing that what's missing is trust. I don't trust myself, I don't trust where I'm headed. Thinking about the time I've lost because of my depression sends me into a spiral of negative thinking. But again, I try to close my eyes and breathe.
I'm someone who has always needed control. And I feel like I wasn't able to control my life for a little bit. Now that I'm regaining the ability to manage how things are playing out, I don't want to lose that. I'm hoping that with time I will be able to let go a little, and recognize and embrace that there are people who love me, respect me, and have faith in me. And then take it to the next level and feel the same about myself.
(One thing's for sure: I'm not going to monkey around with my meds again. It's not worth it. Again, for those of you who struggle mental illness, YOU ARE NOT WEAK! I have embraced that, and I hope you can, too.)
I'm someone who has always needed control. And I feel like I wasn't able to control my life for a little bit. Now that I'm regaining the ability to manage how things are playing out, I don't want to lose that. I'm hoping that with time I will be able to let go a little, and recognize and embrace that there are people who love me, respect me, and have faith in me. And then take it to the next level and feel the same about myself.
(One thing's for sure: I'm not going to monkey around with my meds again. It's not worth it. Again, for those of you who struggle mental illness, YOU ARE NOT WEAK! I have embraced that, and I hope you can, too.)

So where do I go from here? Up. I want to find confidence and faith that things will improve, and recognize that I can't control everything. (Additionally, I'm hoping Boo's current health issues are temporary!)
If you're still reading, thanks for sticking with me. I appreciate all of y'all's positive thoughts and encouragement. I know, in my heart of hearts, that I'm a good teacher and a strong person, both physically and emotionally. I'm generous, caring, and enthusiastic. And I look forward to embracing these aspects of my personality and shushing the loudness of my imperfections and gremlins.
Bises.
If you're still reading, thanks for sticking with me. I appreciate all of y'all's positive thoughts and encouragement. I know, in my heart of hearts, that I'm a good teacher and a strong person, both physically and emotionally. I'm generous, caring, and enthusiastic. And I look forward to embracing these aspects of my personality and shushing the loudness of my imperfections and gremlins.
Bises.
Author
Allison Litten, the 2019 VFLA TOY, teaches French at the Marion Cross School, a public PreK-6 school in Norwich, Vermont. This is her twenty-third year teaching, and twentieth at Marion Cross.
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