Here are some pictures of a younger me to make you smile.  Sweet Boo Where to start? Less than 12 hours ago, I learned that we will not be returning to school for the rest of the year. Saying life is challenging right now is an understatement: first I wrestled with the fact that we would be out of school until April vacation. This was followed by the unexpected need to put my dog, Boo, my companion in life who has always been there for me, to sleep. I have spent the past five days pretty much in complete isolation (albeit in an adorable little house) with no one but my stuffies to keep me company. (They're not big conversationalists.) And now, no more classes? If we're stressed, the kids are most likely stressed, too. |
| Connecting with people on line, be it a remote game of Kahoot! with my students, a #langchat virtual Happy Hour, or the fabulous series of webinars Karen Rowan of Fluency Fast put together to help folks in the education field who have lost their incomes due to conference and workshop cancelations (you can still purchase them for as little as $4), has kept me from completely losing it. (OK, let's just take a look at that last sentence. Its length, complexity, and rambling nature may give you an indication of my mental state right now!) |  A teacher friend joined in our remote class Kahoot! |
So when I force myself to stop and breathe, I try to bring myself inward and remember one thing: Keep It Simple, Silly. These are unprecedented times, and no one really knows what to do. We don't have control over much. But we can control what we do, ensuring we're not crowding our minds and our lives. I first had this thought last week while preparing remote (simple) "classes" for my students; it has been with me since then.
Our focus right now needs to be connection, not content.
Filming a video with my "classe bizarre" to send to my "vraies classes." I'm going to stop here, resisting the temptation to climb on a soap box and shout at the top of my lungs. So everyone, especially teachers, K.I.S.S. DO NOT pile on the work. Less is more. We need to keep our students safe and happy right now. We have no idea what other responsibilities/tasks/burdens they have at home and we can't have the same expectations that we would in normal times.
It takes kids three to four times longer to do an assignment that it does us.
Please keep this in mind.
This is as anxiety-producing for them as it is for us. Yes, kids are resilient, but they are also sensitive. I'm lucky that I don't work in a district where administration burdens teachers with crazy assignments like detailed weekly lesson plans; I can't imagine if that were the case. I'm already distressed over the state of things, and the thought of putting my students through a similar ringer deepens the pit in my stomach.
| I've been having a lot of fun creating new and engaging activities for my students. I love hearing that they are enjoying my goofy videos (and other teachers, are too!). And right now, I want them to have some fun. So let's take a step back and think outside the box. Be respectful, responsible, safe, and kind. Breathe. K.I.S.S. Bises. | |
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 The gorgeous NECTFL TOYs. | I decided it was time to do a follow-up on my post from January on inadequacy. I haven't posted in a while, and I'm eager to get back to it. So an update. Here's the Cliff Notes version if you don't time to read! I'm much better, but not 100%. Not because of something that's missing, but because of something that I've realized, am coming to terms with, and working to overcome. |
The absolutely gorgeous meals Ashley and I shared at our TOY brunch at PS Kitchen. You never realize how bad things were until they're not bad anymore. That's the understanding I came to a couple of weeks ago. I noticed I was no longer answering the question, "How are you?" with "OK" or "Upright and breathing." I actually responded to that question last week with a "Great!" that was verging on Tony the Tiger. And the little things that built up as an indication that I was in a distressing spot were shifting. My house was back in order. I was psyched to work out again. I walked away from NECTFL grateful for the connection I had made with the other regional TOYS, not overwhelmed with imposter syndrome. I was actively thinking about work. But, there's a hiccup...
I am now wrestling with the fallout of my weeks of depression, which is manifesting itself in multiple ways, but the most significant is professional. I feel defeated in the classroom because my energy level hadn't been there and I let some routines and expectations slip. A HUGE indicator of my ineffectiveness or level of frustration is quantifiable: the more English I speak, the worse my headspace. This is so distressing, and it hurts. I internalize all of this, blaming myself as I deal with something that was out of my control. When I take a step back, I recognize this isn't 100% my fault. But embracing this reality is really freaking hard. After a long conversation this evening in which I was able to process a lot of my thinking, I'm realizing that what's missing is trust. I don't trust myself, I don't trust where I'm headed. Thinking about the time I've lost because of my depression sends me into a spiral of negative thinking. But again, I try to close my eyes and breathe.
I'm someone who has always needed control. And I feel like I wasn't able to control my life for a little bit. Now that I'm regaining the ability to manage how things are playing out, I don't want to lose that. I'm hoping that with time I will be able to let go a little, and recognize and embrace that there are people who love me, respect me, and have faith in me. And then take it to the next level and feel the same about myself.
(One thing's for sure: I'm not going to monkey around with my meds again. It's not worth it. Again, for those of you who struggle mental illness, YOU ARE NOT WEAK! I have embraced that, and I hope you can, too.)
I'm someone who has always needed control. And I feel like I wasn't able to control my life for a little bit. Now that I'm regaining the ability to manage how things are playing out, I don't want to lose that. I'm hoping that with time I will be able to let go a little, and recognize and embrace that there are people who love me, respect me, and have faith in me. And then take it to the next level and feel the same about myself.
(One thing's for sure: I'm not going to monkey around with my meds again. It's not worth it. Again, for those of you who struggle mental illness, YOU ARE NOT WEAK! I have embraced that, and I hope you can, too.)
 Views like this help keep me sane. |  I know that this might sound a little negative, and you're probably thinking, "Really, Allison? You're in a better place?" But I am. And I'm hoping that in writing this, I'll be able to let go of some of this BS consuming my brain and move forward. I will blow the dandelion fluff of my distress and watch it fly away in the wind. (And land in someone else's yard! No, just kidding, I don't wish that on anyone.) |
With my baby fuzz, The Boofus. So where do I go from here? Up. I want to find confidence and faith that things will improve, and recognize that I can't control everything. (Additionally, I'm hoping Boo's current health issues are temporary!)
If you're still reading, thanks for sticking with me. I appreciate all of y'all's positive thoughts and encouragement. I know, in my heart of hearts, that I'm a good teacher and a strong person, both physically and emotionally. I'm generous, caring, and enthusiastic. And I look forward to embracing these aspects of my personality and shushing the loudness of my imperfections and gremlins.
Bises.
If you're still reading, thanks for sticking with me. I appreciate all of y'all's positive thoughts and encouragement. I know, in my heart of hearts, that I'm a good teacher and a strong person, both physically and emotionally. I'm generous, caring, and enthusiastic. And I look forward to embracing these aspects of my personality and shushing the loudness of my imperfections and gremlins.
Bises.
Do you ever go to conferences and realize there are 1000 people you want to see but not enough time to see them all? #storyofmylife
That's one of the many, many reasons why I am THRILLED for March. I will have an entire WEEKEND with one of my favorites, La Maestra Loca. And you can join us! Mud season in Vermont can be a dreary time, but spending time with Annabelle Williamson is sure to help me smile!
That's one of the many, many reasons why I am THRILLED for March. I will have an entire WEEKEND with one of my favorites, La Maestra Loca. And you can join us! Mud season in Vermont can be a dreary time, but spending time with Annabelle Williamson is sure to help me smile!
On Friday, 13 March, Annabelle will give the keynote and several sessions at the annual VFLA conference. This year's theme is "Stay Calm and Become Biliterate." You can get more info and register for the conference here.
Then, on Saturday the 14th, Annabelle will be at my school (Marion Cross, in Norwich, VT) doing a smaller, hands-on workshop: "Milking Your Favorite Resources with La Maestra Loca." I am super excited about this one, as we'll be talking about Clip Chats and Movie Talks, which many of you know are my absolute favorite. (If you're going to be at #NECTFL20, come and see me present at 8:30 on Friday morning!)
There's a discount for the Saturday workshop if you attend the VFLA conference, so you can get two days of Annnabelle for just $175 if you're a VFLA or other NECTFL organization member.
Then, on Saturday the 14th, Annabelle will be at my school (Marion Cross, in Norwich, VT) doing a smaller, hands-on workshop: "Milking Your Favorite Resources with La Maestra Loca." I am super excited about this one, as we'll be talking about Clip Chats and Movie Talks, which many of you know are my absolute favorite. (If you're going to be at #NECTFL20, come and see me present at 8:30 on Friday morning!)
There's a discount for the Saturday workshop if you attend the VFLA conference, so you can get two days of Annnabelle for just $175 if you're a VFLA or other NECTFL organization member.
If you can't make it to either event but still want some PD with Annabelle, be sure to check out Comprehensible Online. She has several presentations, as do I. Sign up with the code ALLISON for $25 off registration!
Nothing like having visitors the first day back from vacation! And what does an insane teacher do? Make up an activity on the spot! Well, at least my observers got to see my classes as they truly are!
I had been thinking about a post in the iFLT/NTPRS/CI Teaching FB group from AnneMarie Chase about a game she played in which students were divided into teams, and they had to make sure that each person on the team understood the reading. Then one person from each team had to answer a question. (She had them come sit in the front of the room.) If they got it correct, they drew a card from a deck of cards, and the corresponding value was the number of points the team received.
I printed this post out a loooooong time ago, but haven't done anything with it. I had been looking at it just before my visitors entered my room.
I had been thinking about a post in the iFLT/NTPRS/CI Teaching FB group from AnneMarie Chase about a game she played in which students were divided into teams, and they had to make sure that each person on the team understood the reading. Then one person from each team had to answer a question. (She had them come sit in the front of the room.) If they got it correct, they drew a card from a deck of cards, and the corresponding value was the number of points the team received.
I printed this post out a loooooong time ago, but haven't done anything with it. I had been looking at it just before my visitors entered my room.
My sixth graders were doing one final reading activity with Dustin Williamson's Noël Madness commercials. All of a sudden, I had an idea. I collected the readings and wrote two things on the board: Migros and Argos (these were the two commercials that went head-to-head in the final round of voting). I read a sentence, and students had to write down on their individual whiteboards the commercial to which it pertained. They had five seconds to write it down, and then they held it up. I then randomly chose (using the random number generator app on my phone) the name of a student. If that student's team had gotten the answer correct, I gave them a die to roll. That became the number of points I awarded the team.
In the first class, it got a little bogged down. I had only distributed one die, and I had to collect it and pass it around each time a team needed to roll. That took up too much time. Additionally, this is a class that doesn't have a ton of energy, anyway. When I played it with the second class, I gave each team a die; that allowed the point determining to go much more quickly. The students were also much more engaged, which added to the enjoyment. Because I just threw this together last minute, I did not have the chairs set up in the front of the room like AnneMarie did. But I'm eager to try that next time.
I'm pretty excited about this. I loved Anne Marie's idea of the points being completely random. I can see how a deck of cards might make it more interesting, since point values would vary so much. The dice made it so the scores were close, which heightened the anticipation. I'll try to play again soon, and post a video.
Let me know if you try this, or if you come up with some other modifications!
Bises.
In the first class, it got a little bogged down. I had only distributed one die, and I had to collect it and pass it around each time a team needed to roll. That took up too much time. Additionally, this is a class that doesn't have a ton of energy, anyway. When I played it with the second class, I gave each team a die; that allowed the point determining to go much more quickly. The students were also much more engaged, which added to the enjoyment. Because I just threw this together last minute, I did not have the chairs set up in the front of the room like AnneMarie did. But I'm eager to try that next time.
I'm pretty excited about this. I loved Anne Marie's idea of the points being completely random. I can see how a deck of cards might make it more interesting, since point values would vary so much. The dice made it so the scores were close, which heightened the anticipation. I'll try to play again soon, and post a video.
Let me know if you try this, or if you come up with some other modifications!
Bises.
Happy new year! And I'm feeling like it really is a new year/new phase of life. Let me explain.
Some of you know that I have had some significant feelings of inadequacy in recent months. This is a concept that crept into every aspect of my life. I was feeling uninspired in classroom, which was so distressing to me. But then I noticed other areas that were slipping out of control. My exercise and training had completely fallen by the wayside. I had lost my propensity for organizing and, as a result, my house felt in complete disarray. I even felt like a lousy dog mom. And I remember seeing a tweet that mentioned inadequacy, telling folks to make sure that if you're feeling less-than, it should be with respect to your own practice and that you should not be comparing yourself to others. And honestly, that made me feel worse. I HAD fallen victim to imposter syndrome. It has been an honor to be the Vermont Teacher of the Year, but it was extraordinarily stressful as well. I am just incredulous that I am in the company of some extraordinary women. (But we have established a strong bond, and I am so excited to meet and spend time with the other northeast TOYs at NECTFL next month.) I couldn't help putting myself up against this exemplary group and noticing all of the things I WASN'T doing. And yes, I recognize that this isn't healthy, but unfortunately, I learned to do this at a very young age.
So you may be wondering what the point of this post is. I am writing this on the heels of a solid 8+ hours of sleep after averaging three hours over the past few nights. (Nothing like organizing your closet at 3 AM when you can't sleep!) Sleep definitely affects my moods, but I realized that I had slipped into a mini-depression. Depression and I have had a long and torrid relationship; there's a period of about five months in 1997 that I literally don't remember. It's been an ongoing war, and there have been some pretty horrible battles. (I have the scars to prove it.) This fall I frequently asked myself, "What's the point?" Not as in "What's the point of living?" but "What difference will this workout make? Does my teaching matter? I don't have the energy to fold the laundry, so why should I?"
But I'm hoping that's in the past. Where am I now? I might go so far as to say I'm feeling good. I upped my meds. I started with a new therapist. And I'm being honest with myself. I've found myself thinking in the past, "Hey, I can beat my depression. I'm stronger than it, I don't need drugs." Oh, Allison, really? Don't be naive! If you suffer from depression, or anxiety, or any other mental illness, It DOES NOT MEAN YOU ARE WEAK. Recognizing that you are struggling is a huge sign of your strength. And that's where I am right now.
So I'm hoping I can continue on this path; I am cautiously optimistic that things are turning around for me. As I write this, it's 6:45 AM, the day we return from vacation. I'm still at home, with my tea, trying to cram and see if I can start a particular lesson cycle in less than two hours. I actually WANT to plan my lessons, which is more than I can say for a month ago. And that's embarrassing to admit. (I have A LOT of work to be doing right now, but I wanted to get this post out ASAP. I felt it was too important not to share, especially with the clarity of a solid night's sleep.)
Some of you know that I have had some significant feelings of inadequacy in recent months. This is a concept that crept into every aspect of my life. I was feeling uninspired in classroom, which was so distressing to me. But then I noticed other areas that were slipping out of control. My exercise and training had completely fallen by the wayside. I had lost my propensity for organizing and, as a result, my house felt in complete disarray. I even felt like a lousy dog mom. And I remember seeing a tweet that mentioned inadequacy, telling folks to make sure that if you're feeling less-than, it should be with respect to your own practice and that you should not be comparing yourself to others. And honestly, that made me feel worse. I HAD fallen victim to imposter syndrome. It has been an honor to be the Vermont Teacher of the Year, but it was extraordinarily stressful as well. I am just incredulous that I am in the company of some extraordinary women. (But we have established a strong bond, and I am so excited to meet and spend time with the other northeast TOYs at NECTFL next month.) I couldn't help putting myself up against this exemplary group and noticing all of the things I WASN'T doing. And yes, I recognize that this isn't healthy, but unfortunately, I learned to do this at a very young age.
So you may be wondering what the point of this post is. I am writing this on the heels of a solid 8+ hours of sleep after averaging three hours over the past few nights. (Nothing like organizing your closet at 3 AM when you can't sleep!) Sleep definitely affects my moods, but I realized that I had slipped into a mini-depression. Depression and I have had a long and torrid relationship; there's a period of about five months in 1997 that I literally don't remember. It's been an ongoing war, and there have been some pretty horrible battles. (I have the scars to prove it.) This fall I frequently asked myself, "What's the point?" Not as in "What's the point of living?" but "What difference will this workout make? Does my teaching matter? I don't have the energy to fold the laundry, so why should I?"
But I'm hoping that's in the past. Where am I now? I might go so far as to say I'm feeling good. I upped my meds. I started with a new therapist. And I'm being honest with myself. I've found myself thinking in the past, "Hey, I can beat my depression. I'm stronger than it, I don't need drugs." Oh, Allison, really? Don't be naive! If you suffer from depression, or anxiety, or any other mental illness, It DOES NOT MEAN YOU ARE WEAK. Recognizing that you are struggling is a huge sign of your strength. And that's where I am right now.
So I'm hoping I can continue on this path; I am cautiously optimistic that things are turning around for me. As I write this, it's 6:45 AM, the day we return from vacation. I'm still at home, with my tea, trying to cram and see if I can start a particular lesson cycle in less than two hours. I actually WANT to plan my lessons, which is more than I can say for a month ago. And that's embarrassing to admit. (I have A LOT of work to be doing right now, but I wanted to get this post out ASAP. I felt it was too important not to share, especially with the clarity of a solid night's sleep.)
 | I am sending each and every one of you love and strength this new year. And if you have thoughts or things you'd like to share about your own mental health struggles, put them out there. There are a lot of people who will understand your feelings. The more we hide, the worse it is. Bises. |  |
Author
Allison Litten, the 2019 VFLA TOY, teaches French at the Marion Cross School, a public K-6 school in Norwich, Vermont. This is her twentieth year teaching, and seventeenth at Marion Cross.
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